I was listening to the radio a few weeks ago and the DJ’s were talking about a new dating website called 7orbetter.com. The gimmick is that all the guys on the site are (supposedly) 7 inches or larger. The main page says: “Size matters. Take the guesswork out of dating.”
That’s great and all, I guess. I only have a few problems with it.
You know how, when you’re a kid growing up, you promise yourself that there are certain things you’re never going to be? And then you end up being exactly what you didn’t want to be?I think I’m making the final move towards being what I didn’t want to be. I have become Mrs. Crankypants. Allow me to add a picture of what I’m feeling like lately.
Having an imaginary world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I can pretty much lose myself in my train of thoughts and pretendings. I enjoy the fake place that I make up in my head so much that I hate when the real world comes crashing in on me. I hate when people interrupt my meanderings, and get frustrated with people that don’t even know that they’re bothering me, because they are taking me out of the place I wish I was.
I considered it, however I didn’t end up doing it until today. Why do today what I can put off until tomorrow? I have tendencies towards laziness and I procrastinate wherever possible.
I went outside, smoked a cigarette and weighed the positives and negatives. What I found out is that there are not a lot of positives about shaving. There was only one that I could come up with was because my husband likes me to. He likes my legs to be soft and stubble free. Personally, stubble doesn’t bother me one bit.
Everything is such a waste of time. Are you doing anything meaningful with your life? What is meaningful anyway? Is it more important to do something meaningful or to just enjoy life? Do you enjoy life or is everything you do a waste of time?
People say that watching tv is a waste of time. It is a waste of time, I agree. But so is reading a book. Or writing a blog. Or having sex. Everything, in essence, is a waste of time. Unless you’re doing something like curing diseases or eliminating world hunger. Those kinds of things are probably not a waste of time. But how many people do that kind of stuff anyway?
My husband uttered these seemingly innocent words to me the other night. He said something along the lines of “but you look good for your age”. Why don’t I just look good? What does my age have to do with it? As soon as the words were out of his mouth I envisioned myself ripping off his head his shoulders and shoving it up his ass.
Boys are, by far, the more attractive sex. I’m not just saying that because I’m straight and a female. It’s a very obvious thing if you look at it in the right light.
Boys don’t have to shave to be attractive. They don’t have to pluck their eyebrows. They don’t have to wax any part of their bodies. They don’t have to pile on the clown makeup. They don’t have to get dolled up in some skanky outfit and heels.
Boys exist.
Moving through life is like taking a vacation from work or school. You start off thinking “a week is such a long time, I’ll be able to do so much.” Then it’s Sunday and you’re thinking “wtf? Where did the time go?” That is how I feel about life.
The last time I looked forward to my birthday was my 21st birthday. Every birthday after was meh. At 21 you become an adult and can do pretty much everything (i.e. drink legally) except become president of the US and I don’t think that’s on most people’s priority list. So every birthday after that was no big deal.
Until I hit 25.
The other thing that guys can get away with in a way that girls cannot is all manner of bodily functions. Burping, farting and pooping are all boys territories. I have bodily functions too, but mine are apparently supposed to be private.
There is a guy that I work with that will come out of an aisle at the pharmacy and say “don’t go down there, I just went in there to fart.” I couldn’t even imagine telling someone that! We rearranged our setup at one point and got rid of three aisles. His response was “the B aisle was the farting aisle. Now where am I supposed to fart?”
I think that being a boy would be so much easier. And Funner. Putting aside sucky girl things like my period, the need to wear pantyhose, high heels, and makeup is just the icing on the cake. Having an orgasm virtually every time you have sex from the first moment you have sex is just the beginning of a guy’s lucky streak.
I would love to be able to pee standing up. To not have to check every bathroom stall for two things-urine on the seat and a ready supply of tp. (I learned during college to always check this before getting started. Twice I went into a stall that lacked tp. One time I had to drip dry while I ran to the stall next door to steal the coveted tp. The other time I practically dislocated my shoulder because the dispenser was almost reachable from a seated position.)
